Children, You Are Not Garbage

Children, You Are Not Garbage

Part of my decision to homeschool my children also meant (by nature of the job) that I am committing to remain a stay-at-home-mom, a position I quietly wrestle with from time to time. I think almost every American woman feels that tension between child rearing and going back to work because we are, in some sense, expected to do both or else we feel like we are not doing enough. Yet at the same time, trying to do both almost always makes us feel like we are not doing well in one or both areas. It is never an easy decision.

For me, I’ve really, really enjoyed being able to stay at home with the kids thus far, seven years in and counting. However, the thought of continuing to do so now for the next 10-15 years while homeschooling has me coming to terms with burying any possible hopes of a real career in the sand.

That is somewhat difficult to swallow.

Well anyways, this week, my children and I attended our summer homeschooling practicum (a sort of training week) to get ready for the year, and one day, the car was in the shop. Thankfully, the practicum happened to be less than a mile away from our house and it was a beautiful day, so the kids and I decided to walk.

We strapped on backpacks and lunch boxes, and on the way, I had lots of time to think about this whole being a stay-at-home-mom gig.

With the three kids skipping, running, prancing in front of me, I tried to envision my life moving forward and the questions kept coming.

Was I really ready to commit to this?

Then one kid stopped and threw off her shoes, fussing about the dirt that got in.

Could I really do this everyday?

Two began to bicker about who was faster.

Can’t I be more useful somewhere else at a more sophisticated job?

Another tripped and fell, causing a little blood to appear on his knee.

Yes, applying band-aid after band-aid and diffusing fight after fight, this is my life.

Then we turned a corner, and I looked up to see each little walking miracle continue on before me. The older so naturally took the younger one’s hand when getting close to an intersection and the other child hummed one of their favorite songs. They looked so big all of a sudden, so much older in a blink of an eye.

I couldn’t help but to marvel, and right away, I began to repent for downplaying the most beautiful job I have ever been given.

To be honest, I’ve recently come to dread the question of, “So what do you do for a living?”

An innocent and standard inquiry, I know. Yet somehow over the years, I have subconsciously taken this question to be a measure of how much value and worth I carry (maybe because of my insecurities) and it frustrated me. I know no one is trying to size me up by asking me what I do, but somehow I have always walked away feeling a little less-than for “just” being a stay-at-home-mom.… (although ever since I started working as a doula, I can say, “Oh I’m a doula!” and feel a little better about myself than being “just” a stay-at-home-mom).  

Well, I just want to take a moment to publicly repent (and also apologize to my children) for ever feeling any sort of shame or inferiority about staying home with my kids. I confess that I have subtly felt that way many times, but I only realized this while at the homeschooling practicum where I was surrounded by tons of other stay-at-home-moms who are so passionate about what they do.

It was absolutely freeing to be there, and by feeling this way, that’s when I realized it. I felt how relaxed I was, how I did not feel the need to prove or defend myself, or how I was not ashamed of not having a paid job or some “real” profession recognized by society or my kids’ friends or I don’t even know who else.

More than anyone, however, I knew it had been my own voice telling myself that I couldn’t be THAT proud of “just” staying at home. Sure, many people praise me and genuinely affirm me about what a noble task mothering is. Yet somehow, it has always felt a bit like lip service–almost like how one might feel for being praised for being the garbage man or the person who cleans dirty toilets. Sure, they get credit for doing the dirty work, but are they truly respected?

Well, since I’ve realized how distorted this way of thinking is, I just want to say…

CHILDREN, YOU ARE NOT DIRTY TOILETS AND YOU ARE NOT GARBAGE.

I’m sorry for feeling like spending my days with you was not good enough for the world, and I’m sorry I couldn’t always be so proud of the magnificent honor of simply being with you, and I’m sorry I ever wondered if what I was doing was worth it to anyone else. That doesn’t even matter.

My children are my TREASURE… they are pure GOLD to me. I am thankful that I even have the option to be with them everyday. Not everyone does. Not everyone has that choice. But I do. I get to choose being with them and I am SO PROUD of this high honor. It will forever be my greatest “job”… to put my hands to the plow and plant seeds all day and every day in their lives, in their minds, in their hearts and to be able to see them all grow before my eyes. I really don’t know if it will be one more year or 15 more years (God willing), but for as long as I am given the time, they will be the most magnificent work I have everhad.

Now excuse me as I begin my first steps to climb this huge rugged mountain called homeschool. I’ve counted the cost and I know it will be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But I also know that when I reach the top, that I will look back on life and behold the most breath-taking, wonderful views of memories so precious and rich that it will have all been so absolutely worth it.

Advertisements

Hosting Round 2, Homeschooling Round 1

Hosting Round 2, Homeschooling Round 1

I finally decided to take the plunge. I am going to do it. I am going to do what I thought I could never do and do what is perhaps one of the most difficult, daunting tasks ever recorded in the history of mankind.

YES. I AM GOING TO HOMESCHOOL.

Whenever I tell people this news, the immediate reaction is almost always shock, followed by questions of why and what happened?

Why homeschool?? Did something bad happen? Is the local public school not good enough? Are they not learning anything in their class? Are they learning things you don’t want them to learn? Are you afraid your kids will get left out, bullied, or maybe even shot?

While all of those things are sadly possible in today’s public school system, homeschooling was probably an even greater fear in my mind than most of those things. Keep all the kids homes with me and go crazy together every single day? No, thank you! I also used to think people only homeschooled these days if they absolutely had to because of some problem.

Homeschooling, to me, has always sounded completely overwhelming and at best, foreign and outdated.

Growing up, I did not know a single person who was homeschooled. If I ever heard of such a kid, I automatically imagined them to look like the children on Little House on the Prairie. They just seemed… different… and yes, unsocialized. I think this is the popular belief.

Yet in the last few years as a stay-at-home-mom, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting more and more people from this crazy, “different” population of homeschooling families. Different, but kind, intelligent, fun, witty, and actually, they look a lot like me!

The parents definitely don’t have it all together and their kids struggle with the same kind of issues as any other “normal” kid does. Yet what is really “different” is something extraordinary I see taking place in their homes through this journey of schooling their own children.

This is what I have observed:

Homeschooling is rubbing on each other the wrong way, gritting your teeth through sounding out words, and then learning that life is more than spelling lists and word problems. Homeschooling is trying to teach your kids everything they possibly need to learn from math to reading to Bible verses to character building (not to mention health, physical education, and so on), feeling like a complete failure, and then being able to just ditch the lesson for a moment to hug or cry or eat icecream together while learning grace. Homeschooling is overcoming countless obstacles, experiencing those precious and monumental ah-ha moments, and growing together yet another year. Homeschooling is bold, it is brave, it is bed-heads and pajamas all day long, it is pure awesomeness.

While some of those things I can honestly do without, I’m willing to endure those more difficult moments when I think about the thing I am most excited about when it comes to homeschooling.

It is this–homeschooling gives you the most precious and priceless gift of time, to really and TRULY do life and even ministry together, day in and day out with your children.

Yes, I know this might sound like absolute madness, and I’m sure that many days it will be. But I also know it will be amazing and so completely worth it. The best things in life are, and today I got to see a glimpse of this dream playing out before me.

Today, we accepted our second hosting assignment and brought home another little boy who will be staying with us for a short period of time. He is so reminiscent of our first hosted boy, Rell. They are both 3 years old, boys, and mixed half white/half black. He came in March during a snowstorm, just like Rell did, and he is just as sweet, fierce, and rambunctious as Rell. And just like Rell, one of the first things he did when he came into our home today was play on the piano.

And my kids. Again, I was amazed at the vital role each one played in bringing this one in. Even my 2-year-old, Moses! Without Moses coming with us to meet the boy, playing with him and warming him up at the office with his charm and smile, I don’t think he would’ve ever come home with us as willingly and joyfully as he did. It would’ve been another soap opera in the parking lot like last year.

Then when we got home, the new boy got to meet our two older kids and they have also hit it off ever since, playing like they’ve been friends for years. It is a gift my children carry, the gift of friendship, and they each are moving mountains in the spirit through their ministry.

Our children. Ministering. Learning about the problem of pain in the world through children coming from broken families. Learning to receive and extend the healing light of Christ. And together, witnessing Christ’s transformative and redemptive work. WHENever and WHEREver we go throughout the day, this is what we will be learning.

There’s nothing more I want them to know in this life and we are going to learn it together right in our home. In between math, reading, science, and the like, we are going to learn Christ and be able to not only be at home, but together, we will go out into the world to love those in the darkest of places. It’s going to be crazy, messy, beautiful.

Now I can finally say that I am no longer timid or scared or wary about homeschooling, but I am absolutely ecstatic to begin the most honorable and gratifying job I know I’ll ever have–training up my children full-time as their teacher, in every sense of the word.

And don’t worry, I’ll make sure they have a social life ;).

While I am completely uncertain how long we will go or if we will even make it through one year of homeschooling, I’ll take any amount of time we get with them as a gift!

I am ready to begin.

Hosting round 2 has begun. Homeschooling round 1 to begin fall of 2018.

…pray for us.

“Train up a child in the way he should go. And when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)